The D Word: One Year On

The D word. Covers a multitude of sins and topics. But there is one specific one I want to focus on.

Depression. 

 When I first wrote my D Word post just over a year ago; I did not think that a) it would resonate as much as it did and b) that I would be writing this during a global pandemic. Yet, I feel this is the most important time to follow it up. Entering the sixth week of lockdown in the UK and very much still in the midst of the storm of this virus; I can't help but notice the decline in not only my own mental health only with those around me, but also the posts I'm seeing on social media. I am happy that people feel comfortable to talk about issues that have been taboo for many years, but I also see a lot of cries for help. During this time it is hard to see us coming out the other side and, whether it's people dealing with mental health issues for the first time or those of us who feel us fighting old demons, I wanted to write this to show that regardless if your feelings are situation induced or existed before; this is not permanent.

 If you haven't read my original post I suggest you do so before the rest of this, because it talks more about my personal journey up until last year: https://thesandyedit.blogspot.com/2019/04/the-d-word.html


 In the last post I touched on the fact that depression doesn't really go away, but rather sometimes it's active and other times it's dormant. When I look back at the last year I can definitely see that. If you're a regular read you'll be aware that I have undergone a life altering knee surgery along with being in my final year of university. My mental health has been extremely challenged to say the least, however, the steps I had taken of creating a calmer and more balance environment prior gave me the right coping tools when I needed them most.

 When I was told I would have to spend 6 weeks bed bound and in my house my anxiety went into overdrive at the thought of well really being still. As I mentioned previously, I had made myself active enough to displace much of the energy I would have spent inside my head otherwise. However, now I did not have that distraction and I was scared that I would have to face those demons in the face. Surprisingly, perhaps due to the pain and rehabilitation I had to endure, I found that I was far too concentrated on getting better than the thoughts that could cloud my head. Fast forward 6 weeks were up and I began to walk again along with some late summer travelling.

Then it came.

 This bout caught me off guard as I thought I had overcome what I needed to and if anything I should have been on an upward trajectory. The walls began closing in again and I felt myself suffocating within my own head. I was drowning in self doubt, anxiety and unprocessed trauma. Most of all I felt frustrated, because I felt that I had been through my 'lowest' and should have had the skills to minimise the impact this was having on my life. But I didn't. I had just learnt in the last period and this led to my greatest lesson of all which is that with mental health as you evolve; it does too and so do the methods you use to deal with it. I retreated into myself and although I do not think it was the healthiest thing to do a side effect of it, learning to be alone, was the key to beating it this time around.

 I was far more balanced prior to my leg in the way I approached my mental health and general lifestyle, but from that almost fresh start last year I began to make the same mistakes. The lifestyle was preaching and advocating I was also using as more of an armour than a reality. As always with these posts; hindsight is a beautiful thing. By learning to be alone and as some saw it, being quite selfish, I gained an understanding of myself that I have never had before. I started to enjoy spending time by myself and through this I was also able to stand back and reflect on the people I was interacting with and how I was conducting myself in where my priorities lay. Doing this was not without its problems and thankfully the good relationships I have in my life proved their strength yet again. Unfortunately, I was also hurt at the end of the year in a way that sent me head first back to the ground and I was left with a decision that would epitomise my recent struggle. 

I was no longer scared to be by myself.

Now this isn't specifically in terms of a relationship, but rather I used to be so scared of moving any 'blocks' in the life that I had built in fear of it all collapsing and being left not only alone, but vulnerable. However, learning that being by myself and learning how to utilise my mind rather than fear it empowered me in a way I have not know before. It gave me a more bullish confidence in every aspect of my life. I realised my demons in my head were not my whole mind and in fact the space was there to be used for much more than that. I started to safely explore anxious thoughts with the understanding that these thoughts did not and should not takeover, but in fact that very mind had the power to diminish them.

 I don't think this was as 'severe' as previous moods and periods in my life, but it was significant on taking me on a massive learning curve. This was my first real test after overcoming the initial battle and to be honest I am so glad I faced it. I surprised myself with my power, but also I now longer fear 'slipping'. Rather, parallel with my surgery recovery, I have learnt that healing is not linear. 

And that is okay.

  Where am I now? Like most I had apprehension at the thought of lockdown, but I also know that I have survived this situation before recently and will get through. If this is your first time dealing with these feelings or you're somewhat of a seasoned veteran know that although this may be down there will also be an up. I may have troubles and I may not be a perfectly happy or healed person, but that is the reality. Often I have a fear about sharing this on the internet and actually more so with people who know me that may not be in my inner circle. The fear of judgement and preconceptions haunts me, but I know now more than ever we have to continue the conversation about what real people go through. I am not 'insane' or 'mental'; I'm just someone dealing with their problems in a newly unapologetic way. 

  One year on and I have realised that if I am not my own priority I will always be stuck in a cycle. I have also come to learn that I am far stronger than I give myself credit for. Before I used to be uncertain of the future and whether I would exist in it and then my journey resulted in last year feeling like I could exist. Now I feel that I can thrive and I am so excited for it. 

  I hope you were able to resonate with this or maybe just learnt something about someone's journey and if you disagree or didn't like it as always; I don't really care x

(#mentalwealth)