Growth.

Our lives are made of experiences and from these we learn, change and grow.

Since starting this blog I have undergone many changes, like most leaving schools, univeristy, puberty, make ups and break ups, but also less common things such as losing my grandad, who raised me, battling with anxiety, mild depression, acne and psoriasis. Yet, it has taken me until now to realise that not only were all of these experiences necessary, but that I need to focus on growing and my own growth.

Although I will probably write other posts about individual issues or events that have happened in my break from blogging; a defining moment within recent months which made me realise that I had been suppressing my own growth was the ending of a dominant relationship in my life for the past two years. I won't go into detail about the nature of the relationship, but if you take anything from this post; hindsight is a beautiful thing. In the last two months I have reflected a lot on the person I had become and I realised that I was so unhappy, not necessarily due to this dominating factor, but because I had begun to live my life for others. Previous to my grandad passing I had not been one to conform or 'fit in', yet after I realised I sought solace in normality. Any sort of stability or normality in my life I craved and hung onto, which possibly led to this relationship being such a big factor in my life as it occurred at the time when I needed it most. Looking at my past self now I wish I had stepped back from the situation and realised that changing in a desperate bid to cling onto this stability really just made the issues deeper and harder when they came out.

As my social groups have evolved, multiplied and changed I found it very hard to establish myself. I found myself questioning 'But who is Sandy?'. Going along with the crowd is far easier than addressing the problems within yourself; riding the wave is fine until the storm hits. And the storm very much hit this year. 

I found myself depressed, incredibly anxious and so unhappy within myself and the lifestyle I was living. Yet, I was trying to keep factors in my life, that ultimately had become toxic, and try to adapt to them rather than making my life how I wished it to be. Acknowledging my mental health was a huge step for me and incredibly difficult for me to admit to the internet, because it is something that I struggle to talk about. But, laying in bed all day, constantly having anxiety attacks and having no motivation to live is something I wish upon no-one.  It resulted in me going home from uni for a bit to deal with issues in my life and ultimately one day I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, 'What the fuck are you doing?'. 

The result was the ending of the relationship, that in all honesty was not right and would only have continued to become more toxic, but it triggered something deeper. It triggered me into completely re-evaluating my life; I freed myself from my own mind. After caging myself for years and my feelings I established what I really wanted from life and allowed myself to have expectations and a certain desire as to how to live my life. I ignored the pressure to fit a certain mould, whether that be a typical Asian girl or a certain type of woman; I began to accept myself for myself. I acknowledge that I need time to truly heal from even before this relationship, but to also properly deal with the death of my grandad. Something that I don't think I handled well nor did I truly allow myself to grieve in the way I needed to which inevitably has impacted my way of life.

However, I cannot sit here and say the last two years have been an absolute shit show, but rather I got into my first choice university to study a degree I really love, I recently became employed again and I have met some incredibly people along the way. My problem is really that I was focusing on the big main goals in my life and the future rather than the now. I realised growth is necessary in order for me to reach my future that I desire and that I need to establish and become my own person, whilst also focusing on bigger 'life' things. It's weird because many of you may sit here and think this is all very deep, but I really have had an epiphany as to what my priorities in my life are.

I first started blogging in 2013 with the intention, if I'm being completely honest which I aim to be in this post, of joining the increasing number of people who found fame from doing so. My posts were structured and aimed at things I thought people wanted to see and read, but not really what I wanted to write about. Growth has touched many aspects of my life, one of which is my blog and I want to share not only my life but more of my own thoughts and the personal journey I am currently on with myself. By no means am I saying that I have completely reformed my life and am this model person, in fact it's the furthest thing from there. There are so many things I want to work on in order to better myself and no doubt I will have hiccups along the way, but for the first time in three years I am excited about the future and my life.

I feel positive and more content within myself and I have things that I need to do in order to reach the place I want to, but that will come. My advice to others who find themselves in the place I have been stuck in is to separate your emotions from situations in order to see what is really healthy for you. Although you may not want to cut people out of your life or you may want to stick at a career because it has always been a dream of yours or any other situation; realise that happiness has to come from within and only you can make yourself happy. It's okay to be alone, because really it's independence and you will find strength from your weaknesses in order to make yourself better, whether that is mental health, relationships or lifestyle. Growth is constant and so beautiful so embrace it.

Sandy x